count on futures...

so at last, the USMLE has come and gone. I'm somewhat ashamed to think that I had spent the week studying a fair amount - and clearly could have studied more - and left the test with an unsettling feeling that I could have done better. I'm not sure if that is just a gut reaction of if that is the result of kind of the recent emergence of my previously inhibited type "A" persona. it really is an ugly side of me that I usually keep in check - mostly through keeping occupied and interacting with my friends. it just seems like the past few weeks have been devoid of either amusement and thusly it was able to rear its ugly head.

I left the testing center today with a lingering feeling of uneasiness, a fraction of what has been evolving over the past few days. it is really just that feeling that my future is absolutely out of my control and is solely in the hands of people I will never meet. it is now clear to me that this will not change regardless of the amount of stress I burden myself with throughout the upcoming days. so now that I have reconciled this, why is it that I still feel like I could be happier?

I guess it is the lingering feeling that things are rapidly changing around me. sure, I'm committing myself to a future in emergency medicine so I should be capable of handling change. it is just that in the arena of emergency medicine, I expect the unexpected. I anticipate every possibility. it is in the social atmosphere that I feel the most inept. how do I interact with people? exactly where does that fine line that separates selfish and sacrifice fall? how can I be both supportive and assertive? at what point does sacrifice become submission? yes, I seem to be rambling, but when I am left alone to my thoughts, these are the themes that run through my head. life seemed simpler a year ago and I can't say exactly what has changed. it just seems like my mind has been preoccupied with these conflicts for the past week. I don't know how they haven't come to mind before, but I hope that their resolution will not only induce spiritual growth, but also allow me to become less conflicted and more focused.

so, as it is 2:15am in Arizona now, I seem to be slightly relieved. I know that I have good friends surrounding me whom I can depend upon. though I may have wavered in my beliefs before, I feel confident that I have friends that would also gladly offer the same level of sacrifice and altruism that I would for others. though these are not bonds I share with many, I will always protect them with every conscious action and thought. despite my often labile and swaying emotions, these are the people that I will seek out the moment I open my eyes in the morning. despite the rapidly changing social climate here, I hope that these ties never diminish. even now, it is hard to imagine my life without my friends here. as described earlier, the feelings of isolation and abandonment can be overwhelming. it is my hope that I can recall this moment when I begin to feel frustrated or forgotten.