tomorrow smells of a lester cade...

So it was brought to my attention that I haven't written anything here for quite some time now. In fact, it has been almost half a year since I have had the time to put any of my thoughts down in e-writing. It is hard to believe that the last time I sat down to organize myself here, I had just finished taking my board exams and was starting to think about interviews. All that seems like ages ago and so much has happened since.

Interview season has come and gone. Although I am now very thankful that it wasn't particularly busy for me, I remember being extremely worried and preoccupied with thoughts that all of my friends and classmates were being offered interviews left and right while my application seemed to gather dust. In retrospect, I am very lucky to have interviewed with the programs that extended me the opportunity and I felt that the programs were genuinely interested in having me work in their hospitals.

Amidst all the chaos of traveling and interviews, I became deliriously unfocused and managed to completely wreck my car. It was such an unsettling feeling - finding out that my car was "totalled" and in the end I could blame no one but myself. It really struck me as a case of "why do bad things happen to me?" Regardless, I was fortunate that my parents are extremely understanding and very prepared for such situations. With their help, I was able to work through and find a new car and am currently very happy with the purchase.

So, following that incident, the new year has been fairly uneventful. I finished an emergency medicine rotation at Maricopa Medical Center in January. Although I was initially very overwhelmed by the reputation of the program, I believe that I quickly met the challenge and was as competitive of a rotator as they have had previously. So imagine my disappointment when I realized that their interview season would be over halfway through my rotation. I spoke with a few residents and attendings and while it sounded like there would be hope of a late interview or special consideration for the match, I was always uneasy about their perception of me as a candidate for internship. Knowing this, I worked even harder and fortunately it seemed to impress some attendings but the result seemed to yield very little as I finished my rotation without an interview. Again, continuing the trend of how sad my life had become.

Now, fast forward a few months to today. The match was this week and we finally received our residency matches today. When I received my notice, there was a brief moment where I was disappointed. I had hoped that despite all improbabilities, I would be able to match with Maricopa. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Thoughts of packing, moving, snow, cold, and giving up all the luxuries I have been afforded immediately stormed through my mind. To move back to Illinois - what a terrible fate. Then I heard from several others. People who had not matched or were matched to areas that were even less favorable for them. Immediately, my problems were far pettier and I was almost ashamed to be so resentful of what I had been given.

It was at this moment that I realized that my entire journey to this point has been truly remarkable. Though brief moments have been filled with hardship, the outcomes have always been favorable. Yet, during those moments I always find myself wondering why I am forced to face such difficult obstacles. It seems so easy to magnify the hardships I encounter and minimize the blessings I have been given. Throughout my rather brief adult life, I have already lost count of the number of times we casually refer to "Murphy's Law." However, it is always funny that we become so oppositional when things "go wrong" to us. It seems so easy to forget that unfortunate events are occurring all around us so why is it so surprising when it happens to us? Although I didn't match to my first choice, how lucky am I that I didn't have to scramble for an internship? There are far worse things that fate could have dealt me and I should recognize how fortunate I am to be given such opportunities.

In truth, this applies to much more than just residency. The past weeks have been hectic and stress-filled for everyone and I often felt lost in the rush of the days. Struggling to be noticed, I often sat stewing in the sense of being unappreciated and taken for granted. Yet, thinking hard - is that truly bad? Isn't it the ultimate complement that you are expected to be responsible, helpful, or forgiving? Sometimes I forget that these feelings of entitlement and worth are simply ancillary to the truly important concepts such as respect and trust. I become so focused on things I "deserve" that I neglect the many blessings I have been given.

Lately, I feel that I have neglected the needs of my friends and for that I ask forgiveness. Over the past years, I have noticed a startling trend of dissolving relationships and friendships that have faded away - people I should have fought to hold on to and friends with whom I should have kept in better touch. I, myself, will strive to appreciate all that I am given and not take the friends I have been blessed with for granted.